From love to loss

Friday, February 3rd I woke up to my husband telling me "Happy Birthday" and my little girl snuggled up next to me in bed.  I went about getting ready just like any normal day in order to get to work on time.  Little did I know that "my" day was not going to be the day I had been looking forward to for weeks with a busy day at work and a birthday celebration that night.

I hadn't been feeling well for a few days with some spotting and cramping off and on, but I just thought it was normal since I was almost 10 weeks pregnant and had experienced some light spotting with Matney around 14 weeks.  On Friday morning when the cramping got worse and the spotting picked up, I had a feeling something wasn't right.  I texted Brandon for reassurance and he suggested I go ahead and call the doctor.  In between meetings I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for 1:45.  I still never dreamed that my afternoon would end as it did and since I didn't think it was that big of a deal, I didn't call Brandon or anyone to ask them to go with me to the doctor. 

I arrived at the doctors office right on time and then waited for over 30 minutes to be called back for an ultrasound.  It was the day for everyone (or so it seemed) to find out what they were having which makes it very hard to sit in a waiting room by yourself with couples all around you talking about the names they have picked out or calling their family to tell them about "their" ultrasound when you have a scary feeling inside that you are not going to be as jubilant when you walk out. 

I was finally called back a little after 2:00 and the tech asked me to lay down for an abdominal ultrasound.  After a few seconds she said, "we are going to have to do a vaginal ultrasound as your bladder isn't very full and I can't get a good image."  After changing my clothes and coming back out, we started the second ultrasound and within seconds the picture was up on the screen.  As a mothers intuition often does, I knew at that point what I was going to hear.  The words, "I am so sorry, but I am not finding a heartbeat" are forever in my sole and in that moment, my life changed forever.  I immediately started to cry and wasn't sure how I would overcome that moment.  The ultrasound lady was so kind to me and  found me a room quickly so the doctor could come right in.  I will never forget the hug that Wendy (Dr. LeMon's nurse) gave me and her words of kindness and support.  She asked if I was there alone since she had just seen my Mom with me there two weeks before.  When I replied that my Mom was home making my birthday dinner and my husband couldn't really leave work on Friday afternoons, she hugged me even harder and said she understood my loss as a mother.  Dr. LeMon came in shortly after and immediately hugged me and told me how sorry she was.  She explained reasons why I might have lost the baby and that the baby didn't measure over 7 weeks.  I couldn't understand in my mind how that was possible since I was just there 2 weeks before and had an ultrasound at which time we heard the heartbeat going strong at 160 bpm.  After giving me some information about next steps, of which I am not sure I retained much of anything she said, she hugged me again and said I could stay in the room as long as needed. 

All I knew at that point in time was how I wanted out of the doctors office and to get outside so I could breathe.  There isn't really a way to describe the feeling one has when they have to walk out of the OBs office with such a weight on their shoulders, crying harder then one has cried in years or a lifetime, and to walk in to a room full of expectant mothers and fathers.  I was in one of those surreal moments where life just shuts down and everything takes much longer than it is supposed to...scheduling the follow-up appointment, the number of questions asked by the receptionist, the elevator ride, everything was longer and harder than every before. 

When I got to the car I knew that I had to call Brandon and Mom or they would both wonder what was going on since they knew what time my appointment was.  I could barely speak when Brandon answered the phone, but I somehow choked out that they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.  He started consoling me over the phone and said he would come get me, but I knew I could not sit in that parking lot any longer - I HAD to get home.  I called my Mom next and told her the exact same thing I told Brandon.  She too asked to come and get me but I told her I would collect myself and get myself home because I couldn't sit there.  After sobbing in the car for a few minutes, I collected myself and drove home.   I was doing as well as I could be at that point in time until The Band Perry's If I Die Young came on the radio.  I have no idea how I made it down 60 highway except by the grace of God. 

I made it to Mom and Dad's house and had a small sense of relief when I say Brandon's car in the driveway.  He met me at the door and hugged me like he has never hugged me before.  My Mom was there and all I wanted was to be a little child again, snug in her arms and protected from any bad thing in the world.  Brandon, Mom, Dad, Abby, Brian and the boys were all very supportive that night and I thank God that they were there when I needed them to be. 

Throughout the last few days a million thoughts have run through my head - "did I do something wrong, did I eat/drink the wrong thing, did I not take care of myself, why is my body betraying me", every question that could come to my mind came to it and even though I know it was nothing I did, you still cannot get those thoughts out of your head.  I have questioned God in all of this, but I know that he has a reason for everything and that He needed my little one more than  I.  I have had the thoughts of feeling "stupid" for telling everyone that we were expecting another baby but whether we told them now or 3 months from now or never, the loss would still be the same.  I never dreamed "this" would happen to me as I already had had one amazing pregnancy and hold a beautiful baby girl in my arms each and every day, but I have quickly been humbled by God who has reminded me that He is in control. 

At this point I feel more numb than anything.  Am I too numb to cry or too tired to cry?  I do not know the answer to that at this point.  I know that what I feel at this point is numbness, I think, and lack of control over my body.  I have cried more tears than I ever knew I had.  I have felt pain in the last few days physically and emotionally that I never knew I could feel.  I am mentally and physically exhausted. 

Brandon and I have received such kind words, cards, and flowers from so many.  Our pastor, Alex came out on Saturday to remind me of God's love and support.  He prayed with me and for me - such kind and loving words to lift me and my family up.  He talked to us about ways to find closure and cited scripture to me to help me remember God's plan. 

There is a blog I read often in which the writer has experienced the loss of an unborn child as well.  I had read her story, not knowing that one day I would share her same loss.  At the end of one of her posts, she has a scripture that I have repeated in my mind over and over more times than I can count in the last few days.   "Though your sorrow may last a night, JOY will come in the morning"  ~Psalm 30.5

At this point in time, I know I still have a lot to overcome and to grieve the loss of the baby we already loved so much.  I am living from moment to moment as one minute Matney does something  to make me laugh and take my mind off of "it" for a few seconds and then I do, say, or see something that reminds me of the heartache.    There is forever a place carved me in heart for this little one. 

"Hold me in Your arms, God" I pray and let me always remember Your love and Your grace through this time in my life and in every moment of the future.